Lessons on Disclosing Triggers and Uncomfortable Truths

Lessons on Disclosing Triggers and Uncomfortable Truths

Lately, I’ve been working with several clients on the practice of assertive communication. I was reminded that, on the surface, it sounds simple: say how you feel and ask for what you need. But the reality is that the emotions which arise when we are triggered and attempt to speak uncomfortable truths are anything but simple.

As a culture, we’re often encouraged to avoid conflict. We tell ourselves, Why rock the boat when I can just keep coasting? Why risk making someone else sad when I can quietly carry the guilt? On the flip side, some of us swing to the other extreme — I’ll show them how wrong they are! we might think, raising our voices, interrupting, or using sarcasm and blame to make our point.

It’s no wonder assertive communication feels so foreign to many of us — it goes against years of conditioning to either keep things smooth by staying quiet or to protect ourselves by going on the offensive. But when we don’t express ourselves clearly and respectfully, it will come out in other ways — through physical illness, irritability, or subtle behaviors that damage relationships.

Over the past month, I’ve been challenged on both ends — expressing myself assertively and being on the receiving end of someone else’s truth. These experiences reminded me of just how uncomfortable this kind of honesty can be. But they also reminded me of how deeply necessary it is.

What I’ve Learned

Assertiveness lives in the space between the inner child and the ego. The inner child whispers, just let it go. Don’t make waves. The ego, on the other hand, shouts, this is their fault. Be loud. Be right. But assertiveness? It’s the grounded middle. It’s the practice of saying, here’s how I felt, and here’s what I need, without blaming or retreating.

When both people can meet in that middle ground-between defensiveness and avoidance-something beautiful happens. The other person clarifies that it was not their intention to hurt you. They can gain some personal awareness of how you might have interpreted their actions that way. And suddenly, there’s space for clarity, connection, and growth.

So, when you’re wrestling with whether to speak up, here’s what I invite you to consider: Honor your reactions. Trust your emotions. And take the action. Because growth rarely happens in silence or aggression, and connection rarely deepens without honesty.

It is helpful to bring it back to basics using the assertive formula:

• “When you ____, I feel/felt ____ because ____. What I want/need is ____.”

  
  

It might feel awkward at first, but over time, it becomes a powerful way to communicate with compassion, courage, and clarity.